He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother

Big, big things happened this week. But the biggest and hardest was that Joel was killed in a motorcycle accident on the evening of Valentine's Day. He was coming home from Reef's game near Ogden that night at about 8:30pm, and someone didn't see him cruising along at 60 mph. Our hearts are broken. He was the only brother in my family of origin. The only one who carried the Nielson name to his children. He was brilliant and beautiful and broken, just like all of us.

Joel was easy to love but tricky to live with. For a lot of years--too many years--it was much easier for me to think of him as some guy that I knew instead of my brother. Several years ago I realized that was terrible thinking and I needed to repent. The spirit taught me some important things about redemption for me and for him, and I realized I needed to unclench my heart and be more generous to him and about him. 

So in that spirit, here are some of the very best things about Joel.

He glowed when he was with his kids. They were his favorite people ever.

Kaia in particular, his baby girl, was his bestie. And he was hers.

He brought a lightness to life with him. And he didn't love photos to begin with, so we have a lot of goofy face photos of him.

In the last years of his life, as he recovered from another serious bike wreck, he worked as hard as he could to mend relationships with family. He conquered his addictions. He reached out and tried to be good to the people he loved. He met and adored his grandchildren.

He was with us as we celebrated Faith and Colin's wedding in Eureka, Nevada last summer. This is the last time I saw him. We got to hug and part on a happy, happy day.

 

Joel adored babies. His own especially. His best and happiest pictures are when he is with babies.

Metzli. His newest baby. Daughter of  Kaden and Sabrina.

He also adored my babies. This is the day he met Eve and Griff. He most often texted me to send goofy jokes to Griffin. I love him for loving my babies.

Many years ago, I think when I was in college, I had one of the most vivid dreams of my life. I dreamed that both Mom and Joel died. I was devastated--just beside myself with worry and grief. I was allowed to see them for a short while after they died. They were hanging out together on a green couch just having a great time joking and talking to each other. I asked them if they didn't understand the gravity of the situation for ME. They were NOT supposed to die! They just told me that actually it was okay and kept talking. I woke up nearly in tears and had to talk to them both and tell them not to die. The memory of the grief stayed with me for years. But right now, I'm remembering their happiness together and their peace with the situation. It actually is okay. Or it will be. I know in whom I have trusted.

Paige is in Italy and is unable to make it to the small services we are going to have this week. My heart has been with her since literally before this happened.  I was in the airport flying home on Sunday night and found these books that she needed to see. They are my reminder of Paige being right with me no matter what. Paige, I promise to keep you a good and faithful report of everything. I promise to keep you in my heart. I will say your name and remind people of your deep desire to be with us.

AND I got to be with my kids and grandkids and see the Chiefs win their third Superbowl in four years. We were back in KC, but didn't go to the amazing parade and celebration that ended in heartache. 

These two bring me so much joy! Can't stop looking at em.

Thank you Dick Wimmer for hosting so much noise during such an important game!

My beloved and the beautiful girl we produced together.